Meet the Biggest Losers: Billionaires Take a Bath in Trump’s “Winning” America 2.0
Tariffs, Tears, and Tesla Tumbles: The Billionaire Bust of Trump 2.0
Everyone thought Trump’s second act would be a billionaire bonanza—golden parachutes for the three-comma club, tax cuts raining like confetti, and Elon Musk piloting a Tesla Cybertruck to the moon. Instead, eight weeks into Trump America 2.0, the nation’s richest are $415 billion lighter, according to Forbes’ latest tally. The S&P 500’s down 7.9%, the Nasdaq’s cratered 11.8%, and the vibe’s less “pro-business paradise” and more “trade-war dumpster fire.” Turns out, having a billionaire president and a cabinet stuffed with nine more of them doesn’t guarantee a jackpot—just ask the 16 tycoons who schmoozed at Mar-a-Lago pre-inauguration, or Mark Zuckerberg, who’s been popping by the White House like it’s a Meta board meeting.
The Trumpcession Blues
What’s tanking the tycoon titans? Trump’s tariff tango, for one—his on-again, off-again threats against Canada and Mexico have CEOs sweating like they’re stuck in a tariff-themed escape room with no key. Then there’s the 25% steel and aluminum tariffs he slapped on this week, sparking an EU counterstrike set for April 1. Add the Atlanta Fed’s grim 2.8% GDP contraction forecast—hello, “Trumpcession”—and you’ve got a recipe for billionaire tears. Compare that to Biden’s early days, when the S&P 500 ticked up 2.4%, the Nasdaq barely flinched at -1%, and U.S. billionaires *gained* $153 billion. Trump’s pro-capitalism swagger? More like a pro-wealth pratfall.
- Elon Musk: The $104 Billion Oof
No one’s taken a bigger hit than Trump’s BFF, Elon Musk. On January 20, the world’s richest man was worth $434 billion—enough to buy Twitter twice and still have cash for a Mars vacation. Fast forward to March 13, and he’s down $104 billion, clinging to $330 billion after Tesla’s stock nosedived 43%. Why? Car sales are tanking—Germany, China, and Australia are ghosting Tesla harder than a bad Tinder date. JPMorgan slashed its Q1 2025 delivery forecast to 355,000, the lowest since 2022, while dealership protests (some peaceful, some featuring artisanal vandalism) aren’t helping. “It’s not Musk’s Trump gig sinking him,” says Baird’s Ross Mayfield. “It’s the economic slowdown and tariff exposure crushing autos.” Still, Elon’s No. 1—because even a $104 billion haircut can’t dethrone him.
- The Magnificent 7: More Like the Miserable 7
The tech elite aren’t faring much better. The “Magnificent 7”—Tesla, Nvidia, Alphabet, Amazon, Meta, Apple, and Microsoft—have shed $1.5 trillion in market value since January 20. Jeff Bezos, Sergey Brin, and Zuckerberg, who grinned through Trump’s inauguration, are now poster boys for the plunge. Bezos dropped $29 billion to $210 billion as Amazon stumbles. Alphabet’s Larry Page and Sergey Brin lost $26 billion and $24 billion, respectively, while Zuckerberg’s Meta mojo faded by $7.6 billion. Nvidia’s Jensen Huang? Down $19 billion. These VIPs went from Capitol Rotunda photo ops to financial flop sweat faster than you can say “trade war.”
#### The Top 20 Billionaire Busts
Here’s the Forbes rundown of the 20 U.S. billionaires who’ve lost the most since Trump’s January 20 oath (net worths as of March 13):
1. Elon Musk**: $330B (Down $104B) – Tesla’s tailspin king.
2. Jeff Bezos**: $210B (Down $29B) – Amazon’s prime pain.
3. Larry Page**: $136B (Down $26B) – Google’s alphabet soup’s gone cold.
4. Sergey Brin**: $130B (Down $24B) – Ditto.
5. Larry Ellison**: $183B (Down $22B) – Oracle’s prophecy misfired.
6. Jensen Huang**: $101B (Down $19B) – Nvidia’s chip dreams chipped.
7. Michael Dell**: $97B (Down $18B) – Dell’s tech bell tolled.
8. Steve Ballmer**: $115B (Down $11B) – Microsoft’s ex-CEO clips his wings.
9. Stephen Schwarzman**: $42.3B (Down $10.2B) – Private equity’s public spanking.
10. Thomas Peterffy**: $48.8B (Down $7.9B) – Brokerage on a budget.
11. Mark Zuckerberg**: $204B (Down $7.6B) – Meta’s metaverse of misery.
12. Rob Walton & Family**: $103B (Down $7B) – Walmart’s rollback riches.
13. Jim Walton & Family**: $102B (Down $6.9B) – More Walton woes.
14. Alice Walton**: $94.6B (Down $6.8B) – Walmart heiress joins the club.
15. Abigail Johnson**: $31.3B (Down $5.6B) – Fidelity’s faith falters.
16. Brian Armstrong**: $7.6B (Down $5.2B) – Coinbase’s crypto crash.
17. Robert Pera**: $14.9B (Down $4.6B) – Wireless woes.
18. MacKenzie Scott**: $27.4B (Down $4.5B) – Amazon ex cashes out low.
19. George Roberts**: $14.2B (Down $4.2B) – Private equity’s second victim.
20. Lyndal Stephens Greth & Family**: $26.4B (Down $4.2B) – Oil & gas dries up.
- The Billionaire Backfire
Trump’s billionaire brigade—nine in his administration, countless more in his fan club—was supposed to turn America into a plutocrat’s playground. Instead, it’s a wealth-wrecking circus. Tariffs, uncertainty, and a looming Trumpcession have torched the three-comma dream. Musk’s still tweeting through the pain, Bezos is probably stress-ordering from Amazon, and Zuck’s White House visits feel more like therapy sessions. For now, the only winners are the short-sellers—and maybe the EU, plotting its tariff revenge. Welcome to Trump 2.0: where the billionaires lose big, and the “winning” feels a lot like whining.
*Disclaimer: This article is purely Satire .